


Hot & Saucy

by AnesthetizeMeCaptain



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Bromance, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Sex Pollen, Smut, beans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:20:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25253731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnesthetizeMeCaptain/pseuds/AnesthetizeMeCaptain
Summary: A witcher, a bard, a few drinks, and a hot can of beans. The real treasure is friendship.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	Hot & Saucy

Geralt was sitting by the campfire relaxing after a hard day's witcherin', watching the campfire crackle as he downed the rest of his pepper vodka. Him and Jaskier were boozed and sloppy to the point they could hardly walk straight, yet they were wishing for better times. The last contract only paid out in hooch and the drunken duo were getting moody with hunger.

As the flame's intensity grew, Geralt noticed a symbol on one of the fire pit stones, so he picked it up. Squinting at it, he mumbled "Kinda looks like a djinn jar thingy. Hey Jaskier! Want some djinn with your vodka?". Jaskier snorted into the bottle of cooking sherry he was drinking out of desperation. He never heard Geralt attempt to joke before. His mirth was short-lived as the wind whooshed up around them, making the fire blaze like Jasky's hidden man-feelings for the witcher. "Holy shit" he stammered with booze dripping down his chin into his tunic. "I think you did find a djinn stone! Quick, what are your wishes?" Geralt sat quiet for a moment in sloshed thought, then blurted out "I wish for a refill, a hot meal, and a good lay". The air seemed to crackle with magic around them, much to the witcher's surprise, as he thought the bard was joking.

When Gerlat looked at his bottle, it was full. There was also an otherworldly metal cylinder next to the fire inscribed with the words 'Bush's Baked Beans'. Djinns were always known to have a sick sense of humor. The witcher had never seen anything quite like it before and wondered what it could mean. He had always been a large fan of beans but he did not see any seams or weakness in the metal. 

As Geralt was inspecting the can, he did not take notice of Jaskier, who was getting rather hot-around-the-collar while staring at his friend's ashen chest hair poking out of his dirty laced henly. "Jaskier, come here and help me with this" the witcher grunted out of frustration. The bard stood transfixed, frothing at the sight of toned, glistening muscles in the fire's glow. Geralt was pulling and twisting at the can like a water hag hot on an oyster, getting angrier by the second. This could be seen as demeaning by some, but Jaskier was getting HOT. The bard pulled off his tunic and started to approach his travel companion, but it was not to help with the beans. His sudden, uncontrollable desire pushed him to finally make his move. Tonight was the night!

Geralt was fuming. His hunger for beans was so great that he forgot the world around him. He was hunched, thinking up his next tactic as he felt two slender arms slide past his neck and over his shoulders. Fingers, strong from years of lute mastery, dipping past his wide collar while firmly caressing his pecs, then down to his abs. This advance was unexpected and unwelcomed by Geralt, who proceeded to quickly push the bard away. He tried to focus on his task again when he felt his friend's chest push up his back. The witcher was getting very uncomfortable. Jaskier's chest pushed up further still as he gyrated and twisted around Geralt's shoulder, his nipple grazing the back of poor Geralt's ear. Jaskier let out an audible moan. Geralt proceeded to freak out.

"Jaskier, you son of a whore! Leave me be!" the witcher yelled as he hurled his can of beans at a nearby rock. The beans bounced off with a clunk, leaving a heavy dent in the side. Geralt stood for a moment to stare Jaskier down before retrieving his cruel-humored prize. The shaming only made Jaskier harder. "What is wrong with you today?" the witcher proceeded to yell while stomping away. He was 100% done. Geralt walked back over to the fire and placed the can into the hot coals before plopping back down next to his refreshed bottle of pepper vodka. He lamented not wishing for a better drink. Perhaps he could just try to relax for a while? 

Jaskier was clearly bothered, pining for the feeling of his witcher's unkepmt, coarse hair and surprisingly supple skin. Geralt did enjoy his luxurious baths after all. The thoughts of the times he would rub chamomile on Geralt's lovely bottom were driving him to the brink of madness. Jaskier was throbbing now. Witchers typically aged much slower than normal men, and this seemed especially true for the ass. Despite the harsh scoldings, Jaskier wanted… NEEDED… to make Geralt notice him.

Geralt sat on his sitting rock, drunkily drinking more of his drink. He watched the flames dance around the accursed metal object the djinn left him. The beans were taunting him. He was just beginning to think he could drink himself into enough of a stupor where he could eventually sleep and tackle his problems in the morning. It was then that he noticed a sudden pressure low on his back.

Jaskier was behind him again, but now without pants. The bard drug his stiff cock straight up the witcher's spine, bouncing off every bump along the way. Geralt experienced a massive cold shudder immediately after, followed shortly by unbridled rage. "DAMNIT BARD!" he barked as he grabbed Jaskier by the shoulders and shook him. The bard swooned and gazed lustfully into the witcher's golden eyes, shining like polished crowns in the flickering glow. It was then that, in his drunken stupor, Geralt realized what had happened. He was so occupied getting to his beans that he had entirely forgotten his third wish. A wish made for a good lay... when the bard was the only person around for miles. Another cruel joke from the djinn.

Geralt could no longer be reasonably angry at his companion, and now only felt sorrow seeing him in his deranged state. The truth was that Geralt did not have feelings for the bard, but he could not leave his good friend to suffer a djinn's curse. The witcher let out an exasperated sigh, then unbuckled his belt. "Yen is going to kill me for this". Jaskier let out a whimper of excitement when he realized what was finally going to happen.

The witcher rustled around in his pack, revealing a vial and a cloth. "Is that for me?" the bard almost sang. Gerlat shook his head. "The vial is for me, it enhances a witcher's lecherous nature. The blindfold is for Roach". He tied the cloth over the eyes of this trusty steed and approached Jaskier, laying him backwards over a log. Geralt ran his meaty man fingers up the bard's slender frame. He poured his vial into Jaskier's navel before pushing his mouth down into him and slurping it out. Jaskier moaned loud. The decoction seemed to take effect immediately as the witcher became harder than a monster carapace.

The can in the fire was hot and bulging, unnoticed and forgotten entirely.

Neither Geralt nor Jaskier were of sound mind anymore, they were crazed, nothing holding them back anymore. Jaskier immediately got up and lept to straddle the witcher, and he was firmly embraced. Geralt spit in his hand, applying saliva to his cock while holding the squirming bard. He didn't have time to deal with a dry hole. He needed to be inside someone, anyone, right now. In one fluid motion, Geralt grabbed the bard by the hips and slammed him down onto his cock, doing so with the precision only achieved by a veteran warrior. Jaskier howled with intense pleasure. His deepest desires were finally being fulfilled, and it was too good.

The witcher and bard tussled through the night, changing positions between the log, the rock, against a confused Roach, the river shore, and ultimately on the ground next to the campfire.This was it, the pressure was building near to the point of explosion. Jaskier was nearing the biggest prostate orgasm of his life and Geralt was keeping pace. Their speed and intensity increased until they both reached the brink of climax. The tip of Geralts cock began pulsing and twitching strongly, he was there. Jaskier felt this and climaxed too. His body shook to the very core as Geralt filled his insides. A long, musical moan erupted from the bard's throat.

It was then that the long-forgotten can of beans exploded. 

Hot baked bean sauce sprayed the lovers during their powerful climax. Jaskier's moan turned into a wail so loud, that it was heard by and startled peasants in the nearest village two miles over.

Both the witcher and bard immediately rolled away from the campfire and ran to the river to soothe their burns. Drowners were not a worry as Jaskier's scream probably scared them away anyway. When they were cool enough to go back to camp, the two friends got dressed and sat back down next to each other by the fire. They resumed drinking with thousand-yard stares. Geralt eventually dipped his spoon into the blown-apart can and ate a hearty bite of baked beans. His eyes lit up. "These beans have pork in them!" he said with what Jaskier could only interpret as glee in the witcher's voice. Geralt scooped out another spoonful of beans, blew on it, and fed it to Jaskier. They finished the rest of the can like this, and much to Geralt's dismay, not another chunk of pork was to be found in the can.

They collapsed in exhaustion after their meal, returning to their normal sleeping arrangements. Jaskier knew that it wouldn't last forever, but he could be happy knowing that they both got what they wished for that night. He also got to learn of how much Geralt valued their friendship to save him in such a way, and for that he was eternally grateful.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
The next day, the witcher and bard rolled into the village to find a new contract on the notice board. The villagers pooled money to hire a witcher to find and kill the monster they heard wail miles downriver the former night. The duo burst into laughter near to the point of tears despite the confused glances of the passing peasants. They had the best friendship.


End file.
